Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
“You shouldn’t wear shirts like that,” he thought, and didn’t realise he’d said it out loud until Kibum turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow. “That was supposed to be a thought,” he said with a grin, “but I mean it. You should stop wearing shirts like that.”
“Why?” asked Kibum, frowning at him.
“Because they aren’t good for my health,” was what Donghae wanted to say, but even he knew that he probably shouldn’t, and so instead he just said, in a joking tone, “because I’m going to have to fight off the girls with a stick, that’s why.”
Kibum’s frown grew deeper; for a moment or two it was as though he didn’t quite understand what Donghae was trying to say, and then he smiled, slowly, more of a smirk than anything else, and asked, casually; “Does it look good, then?”
Those flashing lights come from everywhere
The way they hit her I just stop and stare
She's got me love stoned
Man I swear she's bad and she knows
I think that she knows
Donghae sighed. "Dong. Bum." Maybe shortened sentences would work better than talking slowly.
Kibum put down his pen again. "No, Kihae. I top, Donghae." He said it as gently as possible, trying to adopt the voice Eeteuk-hyung always used when Kangin was petulant.
Donghae was scowling before Kibum even finished. "That's what the Internet said, but why? I don't see your cock in my - "
"It's pretty obvious, 'Hae," Kibum interrupted before that train of thought went any further.
"Excuse me?" Donghae says.
Kibum shook his head pityingly. "It's your concept," and his hands fluttered abstractly in explanation. "You're the Spacey, Submissive One with the Vacuous Smile, plus, you're really good at Pelvic Thrusts." Acknowledging Donghae's blank expression, Kibum stood up to demonstrate, lifting his arms in the air and swivelling his hips. He attempted Donghae's signature grin; opening his eyes very wide, his mouth gaping in a deranged-serial-killer, Heechul-practicing-anger-management, kind of way.
No matter who sees your charm flows over
I want to keep you to myself so only I can see
Everyone’s heart throbs when they see you
You’re never ending sexy
They performed Marry U and Kibum thought as hard as he could of ugly, disgusting, erection-shriveling things while still mouthing the words to the song. He managed to get through Donghae's rap without major mishap, hearing Siwon's prerecorded voice with relief as he moved across stage into formation.
Then Donghae grinned at him and playfully groped his chest as they danced, eliciting a surprised laugh and not the expected heat of lust but a warm flush of affection.
And that was when Kim Kibum realized he had more than just a kink.
I told you before
Take back your futile dream
and give up on her
Are you still lost in love?
Kibum glared at Donghae. "I don't share what's mine."
"What are you talking about?" Donghae stared at Kibum, confusion written across his face.
"I can't just sit there and watch Eunhyuk flirt with you, Donghae," He said, slowly backing Donghae into the wall.
"Kibum, you-" Donghae took a step backwards, "I'm not yours!!"
Kibum put a hand on Donghae's shoulder, pushing him against the wall, and leaned in, close, his breath ghosting across Donghae's skin, sending a shiver down his neck.
"Then I'll make you mine."
I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care about my guilty pleasure for you
Shut up cause we won't stop
And we're getting down till the sun's coming up
I'm so bored, oh please don't talk anymore
Shut your mouth and get down on the floor
"I'm Donghae," the man says, sitting down and reaching out his hand with an easy smile.
"Kibum," Kibum says. Donghae's grip is firm and lasts just an instant too long. Kibum takes another drag on his cigarette as he looks the man over. His frame is lean and well-muscled—the body of a man who loves sports, Kibum thinks—but it's the expression on his face that catches Kibum's attention. There's artistry without artifice, confidence without cockiness, openness without naivete. It's the face of a man who knows his game and is thoroughly comfortable with his role in it.
Kibum decides to fuck him—he wants to see this face cry.
What if I told you it was all meant to be
would you believe me, would you agree
It's almost that feeling that we've met before
So tell me that you don't think I'm crazy
When I tell you love has come here and now
“Donghae.” Kibum moaned the name around Donghae’s nipple.
“Fuck me Kibum, Fuck me now before I die of want.” Kibum pulled his teeth back, stretching the nipple a bit before releasing it with a flick of his tongue. He lifted Donghae’s hips then, and pushed himself almost roughly into Donghae, pushing through all the tight muscles in one desperate thrust. Donghae grunted and cried out at the sudden intrusion, but his body was already pushing back, seeking its own gratification through the pain.
Kibum pulled out and then moved in again, the sounds from his own pleasure mixing on the air with those already issuing forth from Donghae. Nature took back over then and bodies began to move, each pushing and thrusting, a shift here, an adjusted angle there, until they moved in almost perfect harmony, each striving for that ultimate level of pleasure. All of a sudden this was once again sex in its most primal form, two bodies coming together, no longer any choice between them.
Though I've tried before to tell him
All the feelings I have for him in my heart
Everytime that I come near him
I just lose my nerve as I've done from the start
“Hyung!” yelled Kibum, and grabbed Donghae by the collar and pulled him close to make his point quite clear. “I’m not hopelessly in love with someone who I can’t get – you made that up yourself, and I don’t know where the hell you got it from! The only reason I can’t be with the one I love is because he’s an idiot!”
“Sorry, Kibum,” said Donghae, a little cowed, and Kibum’s gaze flickered down to his lips and he pushed Donghae away, because holding him like that meant that he was far too close for safety. Donghae’s voice was soft and sincere. “I was just – I just wanted you to be happy, you know? And I was trying to help you.”
Kibum laughed softly. “It’s okay,” he said. “Do you really want to know who I like?”
“Yeah,” said Donghae quietly and seriously, and he looked a little nervous. “Yeah, I do.”
“The one I like,” said Kibum with a grin, “is a complete idiot, is the only person in the entire world, apparently, who doesn’t know that I like him, and also, he is standing in this room.”
Donghae looked behind him.
I've been jumping from the tops of buildings.
For the thrill of the fall.
Ignoring sound advice.
And any thought of consequence.
My bones are shattered.
My pride is shattered.
And in the midst of this self-inflicted pain.
I can see my beautiful rescue
"Donghae!" His mother called. "There's someone asking for you at the door!"
Donghae pulled on his jacket and dashed out of his room, down the stairs, past the living room and to the front door. "I'm so sorry I'm late, Kibummie – I couldn't find my – oh my god."
"Donghae?" Kibum looked slightly puzzled and waved a hand in front of his face. "What's wrong?"
Asldjsakfj, said Donghae's brain, because Kibum looked fucking fantastic.
Take time to realize
That your warmth is
Crashing down on me
Take time to realize
That I am on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you?
But i can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
It was endearing, thought Kibum fondly, once you got past the fact that it was also really annoying. But considering Donghae was rarely the bearer of Important Information — Leeteuk knew better than to ask him to pass on a message — and tended to talk about pretty useless things to begin with, it was never a huge problem.
At least, until now. Donghae had spent the past week trying to tell Kibum something he thought was of the Utmost Importance, but he kept getting distracted.
"Kibummie," he would start seriously — an indicator of just how significant his coming words would be, since Donghae rarely ever looked serious — "I have something to tell you." Then he would pause, and take a deep breath, as if he were nervous. "I'm—"
"Hey, what are we doing for lunch?" asked Sungmin on one occasion as he was passing by.
"— Lunch! Oooh, I'm hungry!" Kibum could only watch, dumbfounded, as Donghae bounced happily after Sungmin.
Seaons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer
And nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one
~The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
"Donghae," Kibum says, and suddenly everything is clear. Even though the power emanating from Donghae is causing street signs to bend and newspapers and pieces of trash are whipping around them, Kibum doesn't budge.
"Donghae," he repeats. "What do you want? Don't think about what God wants-- Hell, don't think about what I want. It's your choice."
It's like something in Donghae breaks at the sound of that last phrase, and his eyes return to brown, even as he continues flying higher. All the power that has been surrounding them suddenly feels like a vacuum, like the only place to go is up, despite Kibum being firmly rooted to the ground.
"Catch me," Donghae says, a smile playing at his lips.
Just like a star across my sky
Just like an angel off the page
You came along into my life
Feels like I've never been the same
~Corinne Bailey Rae
“Kibummie,” Donghae says, tugging on Kibum’s shirt sleeve and apparently quite unaware that he already has Kibum’s full attention. “What are we doing?”
“Eeteuk Hyung called a meeting,” Kibum explains, settling his head into the dip of Donghae’s shoulder and his neck.
“But Kibum,” Donghae whines. “I’m still sleepy!”
“I know Hae,” Kibum sighs, tightening his grip a little. “But Hyung said it was important…”
“Umpf,” Donghae whines, squirming a little on Kibum’s lap. “Kibum, you’re squishing me!”
“Sorry,” Kibum says, loosening his hold on the boy (but just a little) but still not letting go entirely because Donghae is still looking criminally adorable with his big blinking brown eyes and his mouth turned down in a upset looking pout that Kibum really needs to stop staring at because—damn, and they thought Sungmin was cute when he pouted—
We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend
Of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced
Another sun soaked season fades away
It is a well-known, widely-accepted, and oh-so-obvious fact that both of you are so different. You are the sky, he is the earth.
You are calm, quiet, sometimes predictable, and a series of events that happened in constant cycles. You are rays of sunshine in the day and millions of sparkling stars in the night. People look up at you, adoring you, wondering how far up you go, but can never hope to touch you. Sometimes you let out flashes of lightning and roars of thunder, and that is when people learn to keep out of your way.
He, on the other hand, is solid, but unstable. He is thousands and thousands of different colors, textures, and wonders. He is crash of waves, warm sand, blooming flowers, and chirping birds. He is the random bursts of violent energy that shaped his surface, like sprays of geyser, explosions of volcano, or rumbles of earthquake. He is beautiful, rare, and unique, but sometimes ignored, taken for granted, or unintentionally harmed by other’s selfishness.
If you are to describe your love for him, out of all things that connected the sky and the earth, you choose rain. Your love for him is like the rain.
I've been watching your world from afar
I've been trying to be where you are
And I've been secretly falling apart
But instead Kibum finds that he can close his eyes, close off all unwanted emotions from his face, close off against the bright blue sky and endless white clouds, but he can never—no matter how hard he tries—close off the pain. It’s always there, following him. Haunting him in the permanent memories of Donghae’s smiles and feather light touches on his skin. And no matter how much he tries to push it all away and ignore how good the feel of Donghae’s warm soft body is as he lays himself down on the grass and laughs up at the sky, Kibum can never truly make himself let go.
Letting go, in all honesty, is one thing that Kibum is not good at. And sometimes Kibum hates himself more then he hates Hyukjae for that. Because it would be so easy, so easy to just laugh everything off and smile at Donghae and grin at Hyukjae and make himself believe that everything is okay if only the thoughts of Donghae’s glowing smile would just leave him alone.
But sometimes Kibum doesn’t care. He can ignore the pain, and brush away the misery, and let the warmth of Donghae’s body against his soak through him, and wash away the sadness and replace it with light light light sunshine and—really, as long as he can see Donghae’s smile, Kibum doesn’t care about the ache at all.
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you I can just look up
And know the stars are holding you tonight
He doesn’t tell you about what’s happening these days but he talks about everything yet nothing at all.
“You’ll be back right?” he asks at the end of the call (you look at the clock. It’s been an hour and you wonder how he has so much time in his schedule but you figure that maybe he’s on the way to somewhere).
“Okay.” (and he means, I’ll be missing you until you come back, I love you. He means, don’t forget about me, and call me to tell me what’s happening, when you’re coming back.)
The line cuts off and you stare at your phone. “I love you too,” you whisper to the device in your hands.
Hold on before it's too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til its gone
~The Goo Goo Dolls
"Aish, it's so blinding outside!" Donghae flinched, throwing a thin forearm over his eyes. You wonder when he'd lost so much weight.
"Sorry, Hae, you can't turn off the sun," you said, almost laughing. Almost.
"Oh? Why is that?" He eyed you with curiosity from behind parted fingers.
"He's been like this ever since you left," his roommate, Hyukjae, voice accusatory, had informed you over the phone. After what you'd done to his best friend, you couldn't blame him for despising you.
"Hey, what are those?" Donghae tugged at your sleeve, his previous question— and your name— apparently forgotten.
"Those?" you saw him pointing at a cluster of bright yellow dandelions. "They're just—"
"Small suns!" he beamed.
—just dandelions, Hae.
You were the umbrella above my head
The nights when the cold rain fell on my shoulders
Having you by my side was a habit
I can’t be without you
"It hasn't been that long since we met, now that I think about it," he mused, fondly toying with the silver band on his finger. "But I don't think I've met anyone like her before. Quiet, shy, smart... with this smile that just lights up the whole room."
As the bus pulled to a stop in front of you, he finally stood up and added as an afterthought, "And I don't think I've ever loved anyone quite so much."
But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late, too late
Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
“Did he know?”
“I don’t think so. I mean…we were good friends. Back since before debut, since he was new at first and sort of shy, you know? But we got to be really good friends, and I could always make him smile by running around playing jokes and being silly. I don’t know if you ever saw Snow Dream—” Zhou Mi nods and Donghae sighs. “Yeah. We were really good friends.”
“But you drifted apart?”
It was after the movie. It began even before Marry U. But, somehow, it hadn’t seemed so threatening that Kibum was often busy with filming and didn’t hang out with the other members anymore. It was okay that he’d moved out to his own apartment and that Donghae didn’t see him as much as he used to. After all, Kibum still made every Marry U performance. He still laughed at Donghae’s jokes and teased him. They still played around backstage, and sometimes onstage, regardless of cameras. It was okay, because Kibum was busy and Donghae understood that; he’d been busy, too, recording and preparing for Super Junior M. It was natural and Donghae knew an idol’s life was always more stressful and hard on time than most people’s.
It was gradual, how it all happened, but it seemed like a blink of the eye when Donghae turned around and suddenly just Kibum wasn’t there. Not anymore.